Exhausting!

Today was exhausting but productive. I did a lot of walking which is always tough but I surprised myself with how much I was able to do. The other day someone told me not to worry too much about my next MRI scan because I'm LOOKING healthy.

I get this a lot and although I explain it to people so often people clearly just don't listen. I had my brain haemorrhage just after being told I look very fit and healthy so it means absolutely nothing and it upsets me if I'm honest because it just shows ignorance. Obviously it's really nice to look healthy but at times it's not so helpful when I'm having a bad day. Invisible illnesses are challenging for most to understand but if individuals aren't willing to listen it becomes impossible.

Earlier today I became a member of The Berystede Spa which was quite nice as a treat to myself and afterwards I went to the job centre to see what work options are available to me. At first I felt guilty about pampering myself but then I thought I've had such a shit time and some of my good friends have lost their 'battles' with cancer this year so I thought why not! I don't normally swear so I apologise but I get so sad and angry whenever I hear this kind of news. 

Back to the job centre... I must have had the worst poker face ever because the advisor I spoke to could tell I wasn't really ready just yet for work and advised me to try something voluntary first and see how I go. It also made me realise that I would have 0 confidence back in a work situation and I need to gradually build up to it as I did with my PTSD related to train travel.

If I have a good day I do tend to get overconfident and then really suffer from it later which I still find incredibly frustrating but it could always be worse! 

I'm very hard on myself and expect to jump straight back into work but when people remind me of what I've been through I realise it needs to be a slow, careful transition back into it. I'm also reminded about how serious my cancer 'situation' is because every 3 month scan still makes me very anxious. 

After my meeting at the job centre and some useful contacts I got my haircut and I'm pretty happy with it which will be nice for my self esteem. It's been pretty low recently so it will provide a nice 'pick-me-up'. The weather today was beautiful too so it was a good day all round. :-) 

I'm starting to get more seizure activity right now as I'm getting tired but that's completely understandable after a busy day! My tolerance to activity seems to be improving and my diet is well controlled at the moment which I am convinced is a contributory factor. The dark chocolate Brazil nuts were a real success today as a snack!

Here is my haircut 'selfie'